Stop Being a People Pleaser - 6 Part Series

Part 6 - Don't Over Apologize

Everywhere I go and speak people talk to me about their schedules. They tell me they’ve never been busier. They’re overwhelmed and out of balance.

Does that sound anything like you?

If so, a part of your problem may be caused by your inability to say, “No.” When people ask you to do something, even things you don’t want to do or have time to do, you may find yourself saying “Yes” all too often.

Again, if that sounds all too familiar, it’s time for you to change. Without the ability to say“No,” you end up living someone else’s life instead of your own. You’re governed by other people’s priorities and that’s not a very healthy, happy, or satisfying way to live.

I know. I spent too much of my life trying to please everyone but myself. I worked so hard at it that it eventually devastated my body and peace of mind … not to mention my own self-respect.

But I became a lot smarter and a lot more effective years ago when I was chatting with Lou Holtz, the famous Notre Dame football coach, after we finished speaking to the same audience. Lou told me, “Alan, if you desperately need people to love you, you will never have their respect.”

Whoa! That hit home. I learned right then and there that I was trying to please everyone … to get everybody to like me … and love me … by almost always saying “Yes,” which often led to impossibly difficult situations. I learned the importance and skill of saying “No.”

If you need to get better at that, here are six strategies to say “no” more effectively and

put a stop to inappropriate people pleasing and start living a saner, more respectful life.

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If you can’t make a commitment or have to say “no,” a simple “I am sorry” is fine.

When it comes to a stranger’s request, that’s all you really need to say. Just say “No” and only“No.”

When it comes to people at work or with whom you have a relationship, you may want to add a short explanation that will help them accept your “No.” And yes, short. The longer your explanation, the easier it will be for the other person to manipulate you into doing what you don’t want to do.

You could give an “I-don’t-want” statement. With regard to our example above, Jorge could have said, “No, I don’t want to loan the notes out.” Or he could have used a “feeling” statement. Jorge might have said, “No, I just wouldn’t feel comfortable parting with them.”

Basically it boils down to this. You’re either living your life or someone else’s.

The only way you’ll live your life is to say “No” when you really need to say “No.”

Final Thought: Never exchange five minutes of discomfort for two weeks of work and a year of resentment.