Stop Being a People Pleaser - 6 Part Series

Part 5 - Be Direct

Everywhere I go and speak people talk to me about their schedules. They tell me they’ve never been busier. They’re overwhelmed and out of balance.

Does that sound anything like you?

If so, a part of your problem may be caused by your inability to say, “No.” When people ask you to do something, even things you don’t want to do or have time to do, you may find yourself saying “Yes” all too often.

Again, if that sounds all too familiar, it’s time for you to change.

Without the ability to say“No,” you end up living someone else’s life instead of your own. You’re governed by other people’s priorities and that’s not a very healthy, happy, or satisfying way to live.

I know. I spent too much of my life trying to please everyone but myself. I worked so hard at it that it eventually devastated my body and peace of mind … not to mention my own self-respect.

But I became a lot smarter and a lot more effective years ago when I was chatting with Lou Holtz, the famous Notre Dame football coach, after we finished speaking to the same audience. Lou told me, “Alan, if you desperately need people to love you, you will never have their respect.”

Whoa! That hit home. I learned right then and there that I was trying to please everyone … to get everybody to like me … and love me … by almost always saying “Yes,” which often led to impossibly difficult situations. I learned the importance and skill of saying “No.”

If you need to get better at that, here are six strategies to say “no” more effectively and put a stop to inappropriate people pleasing and start living a saner, more respectful life.

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Don’t make excuses.

For example, when Ellen asked if she could borrow Jorge’s notes for an upcoming professional examination, Jorge couldn’t say no, even though the sharing of notes raised an ethical concern. Jorge tried to give an indirect “no,” without success.

Jorge: “Well, my handwriting is not very good. I don’t think you’d be able to read my notes.”

Ellen: “My handwriting is not very good either. I don’t mind.”

Jorge: “And my notes are so disorganized. I doubt they’ll be of any help.”

Ellen: “Well, any notes would be better than the ones I have.”

Jorge: “But I don’t have them with me. They’re back at the office.”

Ellen: “That’s no problem. I’ll just follow along as you drive back to the office.”

Jorge: “Well, okay.”

When you don’t say “No,” a number of negative things happen. You’ll probably run out of excuses and end up saying “Yes.” And then, when you do say “Yes,” you’ll resent yourself for giving in and you’ll resent the other person for “talking you into it.” And the other person won’t even appreciate your “Yes” because she had to work too hard to get it. It’s a no-win situation.

You’ve got to be direct. If you’re going to say “No,” skip the excuses.