Stop Being a People Pleaser - 6 Part Series

Part 1 - Forget the Fear

Everywhere I go and speak people talk to me about their schedules. They tell me they’ve never been busier. They’re overwhelmed and out of balance.

Does that sound anything like you?

If so, a part of your problem may be caused by your inability to say, “No.” When people ask you to do something, even things you don’t want to do or have time to do, you may find yourself saying “Yes” all too often.

Again, if that sounds all too familiar, it’s time for you to change. Without the ability to say“No,” you end up living someone else’s life instead of your own. You’re governed by other people’s priorities and that’s not a very healthy, happy, or satisfying way to live.

I know. I spent too much of my life trying to please everyone but myself. I worked so hard at it that it eventually devastated my body and peace of mind … not to mention my own self-respect.

But I became a lot smarter and a lot more effective years ago when I was chatting with Lou Holtz, the famous Notre Dame football coach, after we finished speaking to the same audience. Lou told me, “Alan, if you desperately need people to love you, you will never have their respect.”

Whoa! That hit home. I learned right then and there that I was trying to please everyone … to get everybody to like me … and love me … by almost always saying “Yes,” which often led to impossibly difficult situations. I learned the importance and skill of saying “No.”

If you need to get better at that, here are six strategies to say “no” more effectively and put a stop to inappropriate people pleasing and start living a saner, more respectful life.

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You may have a hard time saying “No” because you hold onto a self-defeating belief. Something like,

“If I refuse, I’m rejecting my friend.”

Not at all. Refusing someone’s request doesn’t mean that you reject her. It doesn’t mean that you’re selfish or uncaring. It simply means you cannot or will not do what she is asking you to do. It means you’re putting some limits on your time.

If you’re afraid that your refusal will be interpreted as rejection, explain your refusal. Tell the other person that it is a statement about your boundaries. It is not a statement about the importance of your relationship.

Still other people have the self-defeating belief that, “If I really care about the other person, I should agree to the request.” It’s true that caring friends do things for each other — but not necessarily everything.

Special note: If others get mad at you because you say “no” occasionally, they are not people you should be surrounding yourself with anyway.